My first encounter with large format photography was during my HND in 2002. My tutor was extremely knowledgable and whilst he well and truly understood how to use the cameras himself, the way he was explaining how to use the 5x4 in front of us left my head spinning. When he started talking about the image dropping off if you did this or that it all became too much and I burst into tears. This completely flustered my tutor who then asked if I smoked and when I replied that I didn't, he suggested maybe I should. Some people panic when faced with someone sobbing in front of them.

Many years have gone by without me wanting to ever look at another large format camera, let alone use one. But then Intrepid Camera posts kept popping up on my instagram feed. Ohhh. Pretty. 

When I received my funding from The Arts Council, the 5x4 intrepid camera was the first thing I ordered.  It has red bellows and the tiniest spirit levels imaginable. It's a beautiful thing. And it scares the crap out of me. 

It arrived in August. I showed it to anyone who happened to come around. I had still not used it at this point. I think I was waiting for… permission maybe, the fear to subside, or perhaps the workshop I planned to take on how to use it, which I had yet to book. But I think mostly it was a feeling that I needed to be in Wales, in the place where I’d be using it for my project, to first try it out. I guess it just all felt a bit too precious and what I really needed to do was embrace the spirit of play. 

I very quickly accepted that mistakes were inevitable and actually quite freeing. My choice to start by using black and white film, knowing that the finished results would never be part of my final project (which absolutely had to be in colour) added to the playful element and served as a reminder to enjoy the process without putting too much emphasis on the resulting photographs.

But the real credit for getting me started has to go to Cosmo, who appears in the very first photo I took with the new camera (above, with Grace). Cosmo and Grace turned up one day and I showed him the camera and somehow he helped me to get over the fear, even loading the film (which he'd never done before) and taking the first photo the Intrepid ever took. 

Perfectionism has long been one of my monsters. I sometimes need to remind myself of what my English teacher Jenny said to me at my Alternative High School in Toronto: “We don’t need your best Amanda, your average will do. Save your best for some other time when perhaps it actually matters.”

I am also blessed with the most enthusiastic and caring people to photograph for this project. Which means that when I make such a crucial mistake as cropping off Mirelle's hands when she's sitting at the piano (see below)  I can ask if we could pretty please try again. 

I still have a long way to go in terms of getting to grips with the 5x4 but when I start to give myself a hard time about not having great success with it yet, I try to remember that it's going to take time and by encouraging the kids and teenagers I'm working with on the project to also have a go at taking their own photos with it, it becomes a more fun and playful thing.